


& I lost you again

by mostlikelydefinentlymad



Category: Captain America (Movies)
Genre: Bucky Barnes Angst, Bucky Barnes Feels, Captain America - Freeform, I've tried to write an alternative ending but failed, Ill warn you it's tragic, M/M, and a plate of not raisin cookies, and there is silent pining, bucky's POV from The First Avenger, pls accept a hand written note of apology
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-08-07
Updated: 2015-08-07
Packaged: 2018-04-13 10:14:41
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,680
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4517988
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/mostlikelydefinentlymad/pseuds/mostlikelydefinentlymad
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>[Bucky's point of view in The First Avenger] </p><p>We've pushed far out to sea, we're left out here to drown<br/>And we heard it all before, how we come to die<br/>But just before it ends the people start to fly but...</p><p>That won't change a thing, cause everyone I know has wings<br/>We can fall asleep, kick and scream<br/>But that won't change a thing</p>
            </blockquote>





	& I lost you again

He's standing at the recruitment center once more all 90lbs of determination and backbone and you feel your heart sink as you realize he still hasn't given up on enlisting and god help you - you pray that they won't accept him because you need to know that he's safe back at home even if it means he's stuck in a factory or collecting scrap metal. Anything but _this._ He has more heart than he does sense sometimes but you love him for it.  You're aware of the crowd surrounding the two of you and you don't care - you put it all out there in vague terms that he'd never see through because there's as many ways of saying I love you as there are goodbyes:

  * collect scrap metal if you have to but don't follow me to this war
  * you've got nothing to prove (you've never had to prove yourself to me)
  * they might actually take you (and I can't handle that - you won't survive)
  * you're really gonna do this again? (I'm leaving tomorrow and I'd like to spend the last day with you)
  * this isn't a back alley steve, it's war (I can't protect you in the battlefield - please don't make me)
  * why are you so keen to fight? (the army has enough bodies - they can't have yours)
  * come on - it's my last night (don't do this don't do this don't do this - I _can't_ )



You do your best to get through to him but he's stubborn and nothing is changing his mind. You could kiss him senseless in front of god and everyone and he'd still leave. You've thought of doing just that more times than not but it would only cause him pain in the end so you bury it and let it hurt you. It saddens you to think that your opinion isn't worth enough for him to stay. You recall the words he said earlier as you wrapped an arm around bony shoulders, "I should be going." because for as long as you can remember (war separation excluded) its been just the two of you against the rest of the world. You naively assumed it would always be like that - you'd fight this war, return home to him and never go back. He would be _safe._ You would fight so he didn't have to. It kills you to but you force yourself to walk away - in the end it's his future, his decision. The need to touch him - to memorize the way his slender body fits against yours is eating you up inside and you take any excuse to quickly stride forward and pull him against you. It's not much but it'll have to do - there's always tomorrow and too many letters you'll write to him. You tuck your chin on a thin shoulder and hold on tighter than necessary. It ends too soon and you salute him before you walk away because damn you're barely holding it together and you can't let him see you slip up. 

You take the girls dancing (though your heart isn't in it), return to the shanty apartment that has always felt like home until tonight when the shadows stretch across empty spaces (he didn't come home - this isn't a good sign) and toss and turn until daylight. You end up ten minutes late and get reprimanded for it but you had to see if he would return and see you away. He didn't.

 

When you're in the trenches and barking out orders over the roar of explosives - you silently send up a thank you for him being rejected once more (you hope) and immediately feel guilty. He would hate you if he knew you were grateful - somehow he always felt this tug in his chest pulling him toward something bigger. You'd tried to steer him toward art school and pursing a career in it but there was never enough money to scrape together and he only ended up feeling worse.

Your mind drifts back to the day you got the letter - drafted. Your knees had nearly buckled underneath of you and you'd slipped it in your back pocket as fast as you could - made up a story about enlisting and threw in some patriotic bullshit that you knew he'd buy. You regret that now - you laid it on too thick in your need to convince him. Somehow he roped you into spending 3 months training him and even though you knew it wouldn't do any good you couldn't deny that you enjoyed it provided he didn't stress his body too much (which happened more often than not). You'd never tell him but he inspired you to wake up each day in this nightmare and continue fighting.

They capture you and strap you to a hard table - you repeat your rank number and given name until your voice is hoarse. You're not sure what they're trying to do but you can feel certain memories and details slipping away so you try to grab them and hold on tight. You'll survive this and Steve will be none the wiser. He doesn't have to know. But then, like something out of a dream, he's there and much taller - more muscular and he all but carries you out of there. You ask him if it hurt because every bone in your body is screaming and you feel like your feet are trudging through quicksand with every step - you do not share this with him. He doesn't have to know.

Explosions collapse structures all around the two of you and he urges you forward onto a narrow piece of metal. You're grateful for all the dancing you did back home because it helps you balance but then it all crumbles and he's on the wrong side of the room. You will not leave him - not even in death. You use all the force left in your body and your hands shake as you scream "NOT WITHOUT YOU!". It's not even a question - you didn't even have to think twice. He's everything. You hold your breath as he takes a running jump and against all odds - lands on the other side. He clings to your arm until you're sure he's leaving fingerprint shaped bruises and when you're not moving fast enough he wraps a strong arm around your waist and nearly drags you out.

There's a bar after and he looks at you like you hung the moon when you tell him you're not following Captain America - you're following _him_ because you'd follow him to the ends of the earth if he asked you to. There's something in the air that wasn't there before and everything you've ever loved about him is amplified until you feel like you might explode. You attempt to push it back down with hard liquor - it doesn't work. You feel raw and exposed because there's no way you'd ever let him see this side back in Brooklyn - it was far too easy to paste on a smile and cover it all up - to run away on dates and lose yourself in them. There's a hint of sadness in his eyes and you'd do anything to make it go away so you make a quip about his suit - it works and he smiles. You're telling the truth after all - it fits him well and there's something about seeing him in red white and blue blazing in to save the day. The problem is that you're not the only one to notice and you now have to share him - you know it's selfish because this is what he wants but you want _him_ back.

A beautiful woman in a red dress walks in and she looks at him like no one else (save for yourself but it's always when he isn't looking) ever has and you want to cry. You've lost him and you know this. You know this but the knowledge only serves to drive the knife further into your back - a knife that he placed there by mistake because he didn't listen when you told him not to do anything stupid while you were gone. She leaves and you tell him you might as well be invisible - he assumes it's because she turned down your offer of dancing. You do not correct him. The two of you spend the rest of the night at the bar and he stares at you with a light in his eye that wasn't there before - like he's seeing you for the first time. You tell yourself it's just your imagination and nothing more than wishful thinking but it happens more often than that - too often to be coincidence.

All too soon you follow him inside of a train loaded with Hydra weapons and you're petrified but you push on - protect him at all costs. You shoot until the magazine empties and slide to the floor - there's a silence on the other side of the door and you're positive you've lost him and there's no reason at all to continue to fight. You shouldn't have been surprised to see that he hadn't been killed after all - that stubborn side came in handy after all. He's alive and you've never felt such relief. He tosses you a gun and you don't hesitate to give it all you've got - _protect him._ He goes down and you take up his shield - it's heavy but it'll have to do if you're going to save the both of you. Something goes terribly wrong and you're clinging to a railing as you dangle high in the air. Over the rush of the train you hear him yelling "Take my hand!" and you try - god how you try but the next thing you hear is a fading "BUCKY! _NO!"_ as you fall towards the frozen ground.

Your love and your strength weren't enough to save him and his face is the last thing you see as your body hits the ground with a sickening thud. You wish for death but it doesn't come - there is only pain.

You have failed him.

**Author's Note:**

> honestly the whole point of this was to get Bucky's perspective and sort of poke around in his head. I wish it could've had a happier ending for both of them. lyrics are from 'Til Death [Barcelona]
> 
> inspire by https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xLFDmaPcqXg this video of all of Bucky's scenes in The First Avenger


End file.
